Body Shapers

These things are from hell. I can say this as I bought one and wore it. Invented by a man so that women would look skinny and like they had a more perfect body. Now I used to have the perfect body. I weighed 116 pounds. Then I had a few kids and I no longer had anything but curves and weighed 140 pounds. Now, I realize that isn't really all that bad, but wanting to look better in my new slinky black dress I bought a body shaper. Now having never worn one I had no idea putting one on would be such a work out. I got out of the shower, dried off and rubbed on some lotion. Keep in mind this is August and a tad bit warm outside.
As I shimmy into up to my hips I realize I but off a little bit more than I had bargained for. So I twisted and squirmed and jerk and yanked. I sprained my wrist, broke 2 finger nails as I bent them over backwards. By now I am covered in sweat and all but cussing. I gave another jerk and a yank. Just as I twisted the wrong way. My neck and back hurt so bad I started to cry. Just then I realized I had gotten it all the way up feeling proud that I had survived. I looked down and realized it was on sideways. God help me. I didn't have the energy to fight with it anymore and then I realized I had to go pee. This just couldn't be happening to me. I whimpered as I tried to adjust it so it was a lot straighter. I decided I would just have to hold it after I spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to get out of it so I could go to the bathroom. I slipped on my dress put on my make up and did my hair. Finally ready I waited for my date to arrive.
He arrived and told me I looked great. It was when I went to get in I realized I had a few more problems. I tried to step up on to the running board of the truck. Only my leg couldn't go up that high. So I tried again. Finally he grabs me from behind. As he half threw me up and shoved me up on to the running board. I turned and try to Thank him as nicely as I can as he removed his hand from my butt. As I try not to turn 15 shades of red and stammer like an idiot.
I realized looking slim was not all it was cracked up to be. Neither was sitting. As I found it was almost impossible to do in a short tight dress while wearing a body shaper. Trying to breath as normally as I could. I realized I wouldn't be doing any talking until I was standing up again. We get to town and he parks the truck. He walks around to my door and opening it and asked if I need any help? I said "why no I am fine". Thinking down has got to be easier than going up was. Ok, so maybe I was just a little bit off on that guess. Finding I have no way of getting down without asking for some help. I swallow my pride and ask him if would be kind enough to help me down. Reaching up he grabs me and throws me over his shoulder as if I were a sack of potatoes. I scream before I can stop myself and pray my hair and make up survive. As he plants my feet back on the ground with a little more than a slight jarring I pray I don't look to bad. Then I discover his idea of a nice night is pizza at Foxes den. Now don't get me wrong I love Foxes Den pizza. It is my favorite. I know live 2 counties away from one and I still drive back for a really good pizza every now and again.
Realizing I would never beable to eat a thing or even sit down and breath comfortably. I decided it is time to be a woman who wants and needs to be comfortable. Excusing myself I went in search of a bathroom. That can be a challenge. Giving up I went back to the truck and ask the first strong kindly looking man I could find to give me a boost back up into it.
Now lets just say things got tricky trying to get the dress off as well as the body shaper and staying low enough that no one could tell I was stripping out of my clothes. As I slip the dress back on over my head. I looked in his mirror and realize my make up is a mess and my hair is beyond repair at this point.
Covered in sweat and so mad I could cry I decided I have had enough. So I wiped off all my make up and put my hair in a pony tail. Climbed out of the truck and went in search of my date. He took it well. He told me he liked me a lot better without all that gunk all over my face. Said women look a lot prettier when they look like themselves.
We had a wonderful time. We laughed and ate and truely enjoyed each others company for who we really were. When he took me home he helped me out of the truck and after he kissed me good night he told me not to forget my sling shot as he handed me my body shaper. We both started laughing. I through it in the garbage and have no plans on every wearing one again. I learned my lesson the hard way, but it was worth it. Body shapers are nothing more than torture devices.

Painting the shower

So the shower had gotten really icky looking and I had the bright idea to paint it. Ok, bright is not the right word. Stupid comes to mind. So I do some looking around and find some gold spray paint. Why I thought gold would be a good idea, I have no idea. Ok, or even why I thought spray paint was a good idea. Let me just say I will never touch another can of spray paint again as long as I live.
So I taped off everything I didn't want to paint. I opened the window and I started spraying. It really did look pretty. I did even coats of it as best I could. When I finished off the can I realized I had paint all over my hands. I was was passing the mirror I realized I was coated in the gold spray paint. As were my glasses. Trying not to freak out I checked the back of the can and realized it would not be easy to clean off. So I head out of the bathroom screaming at the top of my lungs, NO ONE GOES NEAR THE BATHROOM. I head down the hall in search of something that I can use to remove spray paint from my hair, face and glasses. Thinking wouldn't everyone be surprised at how great the shower would look. After trying everything under the sun I could find in the house and none of it taking off any of the paint. I call my girlfriend. Praying she knew what to do to save my butt.
After several minutes of listening to her laugh hysterically, I told her I have better things to do with my time than listen to her laugh at my creative side. Hanging up I head back down the hall, almost getting stampeded by midgets who were in a hurry to go somewhere else and destroy something else.
Opening the door and seeing the paint was drying nicely I felt a lot better. So I went in the bedroom to lay down for a few minutes as I had a awful headache from the paint fumes. As everyone else started to arrive home I called them all to the bathroom for the unveiling of the new shower. As I pull back the shower I hear a few gasps. Trying to see through all the paint on my lens I can just barely make out little hand prints all over the walls. Almost in tears I turn around and try to walk out before anyone sees how upset I was. I have learned not to use spray paint in a house, I have learned when you say don't go near something they don't just go near it they through it over it and inside of it. I have also learned if you don't want something ruined stand guard over it.